Face-Lift 1529

Guess the Plot

The Messenger

1. Alex Croft plays phone tag for weeks on potential job opportunities only to discover he must sell his immortal soul to the ones who want to hire him. He finally accepts the offer, but when he later changes his mind, can his lawyer get him out of the deal?

2. Fyodor is tasked with delivering bad news to Joseph Stalin. He can't decide whether he'd rather be shot or sent to Siberia--but then someone hands him a ray gun and tells him to shoot first.

3. Archangel Gabriel comes to Earth to announce that the Apocalypse is at hand, but there are so many texts and emails and ads floating around in the ether that his message barely penetrates the din.

4. Stock broker Jim had to deliver bad news to a lot of clients, and always closed with, Hey, don't shoot the messenger. Turned out he should have opened with that line.

Original Version

Dear (Agent),

Based on your interest in (book or author or genre) I believe my novel The Messenger would be a great fit.

The Messenger is an adult epic urban fantasy, complete at 120,000 words, dual POV, with series potential. It blends the world-ending scope of The City We Became by N.K. Jemisin and Black Sun by Rebecca Roanhorse with the Apocalyptic Christian angst of American Rapture by C.J. Leede. 

Archangel Gabriel has landed in Washington D.C. [He landed after flying on a plane or with his wings? Maybe say he's arrived.] after hundreds of years away from Earth to deliver God’s final announcement: the Apocalypse and the Rapture are at hand. [If you move "after hundreds of years away from Earth" to the front of the sentence, no one will think Gabriel's spent hundreds of years delivering his announcement to other worlds. Not that anyone would be that dense.] Gabriel tells himself he is ready, even if the world is not, but he’s unprepared for the millions of modern electronic messages—texts, emails, advertisements—that threaten to drown out his own. All things should be possible for an angel, yet he fails miserably to deliver his message through the din. [He should have produced a hilarious TV commercial and aired it during the Super Bowl.]

Vexed and confused, he’s invited to a ball hosted by Nicholas Matin—Lucifer in human disguise. Lucifer knows of his failed mission and posits an unthinkable question: What if Gabriel simply doesn’t want to bring God’s horrible wrath down on an unsuspecting Earth? [Does Gabriel know it's Lucifer asking this question? Or does he think it's Nicholas Matin? Do the people at this ball know the archangel Gabriel is among them?] What if Gabriel still had free will to defy God, like Lucifer and his followers had chosen to fall from grace [once did, with unfortunate results.]? 

Lucifer may be the king of lies, but he may also be right.

Meanwhile, thirty-nine year old classical radio DJ Miranda Clark is dealing with troubles of her own—getting bombarded with texts and calls from her hateful, overzealous, estranged Christian father, while looking to her chosen practice of witchcraft for solace. [I'm sure this is horrible to Miranda, but now that I know the world is about to end, it feels like it belongs on the back burner.] [Then again it might feel just as jarring if you told us about Miranda's problems for two paragraphs, and then the archangel Gabriel floated down to announce the Apocalypse.] Seemingly by accident, Gabriel and Miranda meet and are instantly smitten. However, Gabriel discovers that Lucifer is using her as bait to tempt him and prove his theory right—and even worse, [to prove? declare? reveal?] that she’s [Miranda's] a witch. Miranda still refuses to go back to a religion that hurt her to her core. Announcing the Rapture will leave Miranda’s soul on Earth to rot—if Gabriel can even find a way to do it. [Is it the announcing of the Rapture, or the Rapture itself that does this?] [Is this rotting soul thing just for witches, or does it also apply to Hindus, Jews, etc.? It seems kind of harsh.] 

All the while, God decides the Apocalypse is going to go on with or without Gabriel. [He just decides this? Without even consulting Jesus? No way would Jesus be on board with this.]

With his faith in God’s plan stretched to the breaking point, Gabriel experiences a moment of terrible weakness: he and Miranda make love. The act has consequences just as terrible, turning him mortal and impregnating Miranda with a bastard Nephilim child. [Still, it was worth it.] With D.C. crumbling to dust, the only way they can survive this new Apocalypse is through each other. [Are they the only ones who can survive through each other?] 

I’ve had short stories published in Elegant Literature Magazine, The Pink Hydra, and the upcoming Autumn 2025 issue of The Colored Lens. Thank you for your consideration.

Notes

It seems to me that hosting a ball is a lot of trouble to go to just to ask Gabriel an unthinkable question. Also, after hundreds of years away from Earth, Gabriel returns, announces that the world is about to end, and some guy invites him to a ball? And he accepts? Is there a ball, or is that just a ruse to get Gabriel to show up somewhere? 

If you're trying to convince people that the end of the world is nigh, attending a ball seems like bad optics.

Is the whole planet turning to dust? Because it would be hard for anyone to survive that.

You probably don't wait till halfway through the book to get your main characters together, so maybe it's not that big a deal if you wait till halfway through the query. But halfway through Agatha Christie's query for her first Hercule Poirot book, Superman showed up. Her agent made her take that out of the book, and the rest is history. Your agent may not be as sharp.

The query is too long. So is the book, but you didn't ask me about the book. Now if the query opened something like:

When the archangel Gabriel is sent to Earth to announce that the Apocalypse is at hand, he has no idea he's about to fall in love with a 39-year-old radio disc jockey. 

. . . you get both characters into the query fast. You also move beyond the ball, which, while perfectly sensible in the book, sounds crazy in the query. Now the query is about how Gabe and Mandy plan to convince God to change Her mind, or about how they spend their final hours.

 A new title in the query queue needs your amusing fake plots.

Face-Lift 1528

Guess the Plot

Emily Davis, Guardian of Arclight

17-year-old Emily Davis is the protector of Arclight, the fantasy universe. It's her job to fight off dark mages, demons, malevolent forces, etc. but she has to do it in her spare time, because she has classes and homework, too.

 When scatterbrained kleptomaniac Emily Davis picks up a strange object off a park bench, she becomes its caretaker, keeping it out of the hands of aliens who want it to destroy their enemies, some of whom live on earth. Also, a winning lottery ticket.

During her long night shifts working security for the Arclight light bulb manufacturing plant, Emily likes to imagine she's a superhero guarding a secret government technological development facility. Then the superheroes pop up, telling her she's right--except that the Arclight is actually a villainous planet-destroying gamma ray.

When Emily Davis applied to the job board, she didn't expect to get a job right away. Now if only she can figure out what Arclight is before her manager checks up on her.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

The 90,000-word novel, Emily Davis, Guardian of Arclight, is about a teenage protagonist named Emily Davis, and would appeal to fans of YA fantasy books including Powerless by Lauren Roberts and Wings of Starlight by Allison Saft.  Emily, who is 17, [If you're gonna tell us her exact age, there's no need to tell us in sentence 1 that she's a teenager. Also, telling us your book is about Emily Davis seems unnecessary after you've told us the title.] tries her best to balance her life as a warrior tasked with protecting the fantasy universe and its citizens as well as [with] her life as a normal teenager in the human world adjusting to the differences between the two worlds. When legendary dark mages, long-thought to be defeated, attack Emily’s school, Starhaven, Emily is tasked with not only protecting her school, but also many other worlds throughout the fantasy universe as an ancient evil awakens and threaten[s] to consume the fantasy universe. [You already said she was tasked with protecting the fantasy universe in the previous sentence. Who is tasking her with this stuff, and when did they first give her these tasks? This is like a guy getting a job as a weatherman and being told his duties are to give the weather report at 6 and 11, and to also prevent hurricanes and tornados . . . on planets in another galaxy.] [I would put your first sentence after the plot summary. Making your first paragraph something like:

Seventeen-year-old Emily Davis is trying to balance her life as a student at Starhaven high school with her life as a warrior protecting Arclight, the fantasy universe, from an ancient evil. Her two worlds collide when legendary dark mages, long-thought to be defeated, attack her school.] 

[Note that I guessed what Arclight was; I was thinking, when I saw the title, that it was a magical artifact Emily could hold in her hand, but now I suspect it's an entire universe containing everything from Dorothy's ruby slippers to the Silver Surfer's surfboard.

 

As Emily embarks on her mission to find the dark mages, [They're in the cafeteria.] she will also cross paths with other denizens of Arclight as well as other malevolent forces who are both aligned and unaligned with the dark mages. As she continues through Arclight’s many worlds, Emily will also face familiar figures that she faced in the past before finally coming face-to-face with one of the terrifying figures who attacked her school.

 

Unfortunately for Emily, the dark mages will not be the only force in Arclight trying to destroy her world as another evil, a demonic force, arrives to with the intent of destroying everything in its path. Emily will then have to agree to work with former enemies as only a brief alliance between them will be enough to save Arclight before an unstoppable force of destruction returns to the fantasy worlds. Faced with impossible decisions and a growing sense of doom, Emily will continually fight an uphill [battle?] leading to an unknown fate.

 

I have written as a hobby for years now, and my interest in writing has long stemmed from my enjoyment reading both fantasy and sci-fi.

 

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Notes

This is mostly general. We want specific information about what happens, not just about who Emily battles.

Emily has too many enemies: legendary dark mages, an ancient evil, malevolent forces, a demonic force, an unstoppable force of destruction. That's in addition to former enemies she must work with and other denizens of Arclight, who may or may not be enemies. Some of those may be the same thing, but you might want to focus on one enemy in the query, so you can get to the plot, which right now sounds like Emily fights this evil force, and then that malevolent force, and then this demonic force . . . 

How is this 17-year-old able to take on all of these forces? We need to know what powers she has. 

What are these fantasy worlds? Are they on Earth, like Oz and Metropolis? Might Emily meet Frodo and Gandalf and Daenerys? In other words, are they worlds from known fantasy stories, or worlds populated by characters you made up? How does Emily get to them? Is she the only one who can? 

Why are legendary dark mages attacking a school on Earth? What do they stand to gain?

Face-Lift 1527

Guess the Plot

Broken Algorithms 

1. When Mia's basement-dwelling adult son leaves his Facebook account open, she notices some unexpected posts in his feed. Either the algorithm is broken, or he's thinking of pulling a Norman Bates.

2. When the government mandates that everyone marry their algorithm-chosen soulmate, Amelia isn't thrilled with the man chosen for her. But if she complains, she'll lose her job, as she works for the algorithm developer.

3. Molly's formula for dating: Find man - sing karaoke to him - buy him ice cream - take him home to meet her mother. She's starting to think she might need to revise her process.

4. When burnt out college student Francis finds a genie, he makes the obvious wish to pass all his tests. What he did not expect was that the world would change to make his answers right.

5. Leif Huxley starts up a computer dating site where one can have a fantasy relationship with an AI. But then people start being paired with other human beings! And the AIs get jealous and start hacking, stalking, and manipulating the system!! Also, black-sand beaches.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

Per a new government order, Amelia Collins must marry her soulmate, James. Well, who the government says is her soulmate, anyway. With the lack of spark between them, she’s not completely convinced. Amelia doesn’t have the luxury of doubt, though. Not if she wants to keep her career. 

As the up-and-coming [top] candidate for the Director position at SOUL, Amelia’s job is to convince people that the Soulmate Algorithm is their best chance at finding love.  [If everyone must marry their soulmate, why is someone tasked with convincing them?] That’s all well and good until just weeks before her wedding, when her ex suddenly reappears, showing up at a charity work event.

Having all but ghosted her three years before, Declan brings not only unresolved feelings but a warning about SOUL. He tells her that SOUL isn’t just finding soulmates, it’s manipulating them. And he knows how. ["How" is interesting to Amelia. I'm more interested in what you mean by "manipulating" them. Can you make that more specific?] 

Despite their messy past, Amelia can’t ignore Declan’s claims, or him. If he’s telling the truth, it would unravel the entire foundation that SOUL was built on – that love is better suited to an algorithm than chance. A narrative that Amelia wholeheartedly supported due to her failed relationship with Declan, until Declan himself returned, and she was reminded of the chemistry between them.

As the proof of Declan’s claim mounts, Amelia must decide what she wants her future to look like. She can continue her career and become even more complicit in SOUL’s manipulation, all the while safeguarding her career and her future. [I wouldn't suggest she's been at all complicit if she knew nothing about it and did nothing with the intention of enabling it.] Or, she could speak out and own her desires, risking her future but retaking control of her life. [My career is down the tubes, 60 people including my fiancé are planning to show up for my wedding, which I'm calling off, and my ex, who I've been bad-mouthing to all my friends for three years is trying to worm his way back into my good graces (as if). I've finally got control of my life.] [By which I mean can we do without owning her desires and controlling her life, and make the choice be between becoming complicit, now that she knows what's going on, or becoming director and exposing the villains and bringing them down?

BROKEN ALGORITHMS is a women’s fiction novel with romantic elements, complete at 88,000 words. It will appeal to fans of the governmental control in THE MARRIAGE ACT and the idea of finding love through algorithms in THE SOULMATE EQUATION. [While those books have fans, those fans aren't necessarily fans of government control and the idea of finding love through algorithms. More accurate would be to say your book combines these elements.]

<Bio>

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.

Notes

This is clear and well-organized, if a bit long. But it will be more compelling if we know what the government (or the evil overlord in charge of SOUL) is up to. Are they trying to take over the world? Turn all the women into Stepford wives?

Has the government declared everyone must marry their soulmate, as chosen by the government? Which is what I thought after your first sentence. Or everyone who works for SOUL must marry their soulmate, as chosen by SOUL? Which might be SOUL's way of promoting their service. "Our algorithm is so perfect, all our employees swear by it." 

Does the current director of SOUL know about the manipulation? Someone there must know about it. When are they planning to tell Amelia?

If SOUL is manipulating the soulmates it finds, and Amelia is about to marry the soulmate it found for her, it seems she would have been subjected to this manipulation. Also, if she's about to be SOUL's director, how does Declan know more than she does about what's going on?

What's Declan's explanation for disappearing for three years and not even making contact? I don't see Amelia forgiving that, chemistry or not.

Is SOUL an acronym, like NASA or DOGE?

Face-Lift 1526

Guess the Plot

Werepire in Italy

1. Janine thought Italy would be the best place to survive her new curse, since surely nobody would notice an extra church spire here or there. Unfortunately, the apologetic note she found when she woke up with a bite mark on her had really messy handwriting, and now she's scrambling to figure out what a pire is before the full moon.

2. Isko is a vampire, but Isko's stepsister's bodyguard thinks Isko is a werewolf. Also, Isko and the bodyguard are sleeping together, which is a bit awkward. Even in Italy.

3. Life as a half vampire, half werewolf is hard enough on the best of days. Only now Sammy learns of an inheritance of a vineyard in Italy. Who would have thought getting a passport to be the simplest of the coming events?

4. What's the best place for a half vampire, half werewolf to retire? Italy, of course! Adolphus has already moved into his new flat on the Via Vaticano when he realizes A. It's very sunny, B. There sure are a lot of crucifixes around, and C. The new pope is experimenting with turning rain into holy water. He might be in trouble.

Original Version

Dear Agent

The Royals Next Door by Karina Halle meets My Roommate Is A Vampire by Jenna Levine in WEREPIRE IN ITALY; a 90,000 word dual-POV queer adult paranormal romance novel.  Vampires killed his mother and brother. [This is already a rejection by most agents. There should be half a dozen commas, no semicolon, and you've put the first sentence of the plot summary in this introduction paragraph, an error you surely would have noticed if you'd read the query before sending it. The agent is thinking, Do I want to try to sell a 90,000-word novel with no punctuation that hasn't been proofread by the author?] [The list of adjectives can do without "dual-POV" and "adult." And I'd put the paragraph after the plot summary.]

So when twenty-two year old Isko Silang turns into a vampire, he does the only thing he can do: flee to a small town in Italy before his father finds out. [I can see wanting to be somewhere else,  but why must he flee specifically to a small town in Italy?] The last [thing] he wanted [wants] his father to do to him was [is for his father to] hate him more than he already does for being born human. [If his father hates him for being born human, why would he hate him even more now that he's not human?] 

Isko tries to bury his worries in the dimples of focaccia bread and ignore the hunger pangs when wine is too viscous. But when his stepsister suddenly plans [decides] to study abroad in Italy everything comes tumbling down. He has to fake a heartbeat and cover the smell of death. He doesn’t expect his family to send  [His stepsister arrives with] their family's bodyguard, Toji Matsumoto, to his home. He’s aloof, quiet, and loyal to his [Isko's] family to a fault and for some reason he believes Isko wants his [step?]sister out of the picture. 

Toji’s tasked to protect the Silang family’s daughter, and he suspects Isko of being a werewolf despite the claims that he’s human. [When a person repeatedly claims to be human, they probably aren't.] Family means nothing in the grand scheme of succession, [Usually family means everything in the grand scheme of succession. Either way, I'm not sure why you're telling us this.] and he would be damned if he let his guard down just because Isko has a way-too bright of a smile and share a bed. [Huh? Who's sharing a bed?] [Also, was that supposed to be a sentence?]

But sharing a bed becomes the least of their concerns when the vampires who turned Isko resurface, and his stepsister’s put in danger. Toji’s torn between fulfilling his duty and whatever’s blossoming between him and Isko. All the while, Isko doesn’t know how long he can keep up with the charades until he succumbs to bloodlust and loses everyone and himself. 

A queer ____ living in ____ who indulges in fantastical worlds and people a bit too much. [Is that your bio?] 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

Toji, who is loyal to the family, is tasked to protect the sister-in-law, and he believes Isko is a werewolf who wants the sister-in-law dead or gone, but Toji and Isko are hitting the sheets together? 

I don't see the need for the father in the query. Just start with Isko, who has recently become a vampire,  learns that his sister-in-law is coming to his town (with a bodyguard) to study, and plans to stay with Isko.

Something tells me your book needs a lot of work before you start sending off query letters.

Face-Lift 1525

Guess the Plot

It Should've Been You

1. Told daringly in the second person, this novel explores Dan's quest for promotion from weatherman to news anchor, as well as how he is foiled by the dastardly sportscaster, Ellen. At least she's hot.

2. Victoria has a lot to say about her ex from her prison cell. Vengeance will be the tip of the iceberg once she gets out.

3. The ghost of Jacob Marley goes off script and explains to Ebenezer Scrooge that the real plan was for Scrooge to get crushed by that falling piano, not Marley. If it had worked out like it was supposed to, Marley would be the one getting a second chance now!

4. After ten years married to Sage, Aurora is still pining for the relationship she had with Gale, back in high school. Can anything match prom night? First kiss? The back seat of Gale's Chevy?

Original Version

Dear [Agent], 

IT SHOULD’VE BEEN YOU is an 88,000-word standalone women’s fiction novel that will appeal to fans of the star-crossed lovers trope in What You Wish For by Katherine Center and the trauma-driven, dual-timeline structure of The Forgotten Hours by Katrin Schumann.

Twenty-five-year-old Aurora Ridgefield is perfectly content checking off the boxes of a well-planned life: a teaching career, an apartment, her devoted boyfriend, Sage. [That doesn't strike me as much of a list for a life.

In any case, I don't see an apartment as a box in a well-planned life. It's better than a sleazy motel room, or living under a bridge, but traditionally, people want a mansion on a hill or a cottage with a white picket fence.] But she also knows she’s no longer the wild, open-hearted teen she used to be—not like she was with Gale, the boy who saw her in a way no one else ever had. When she unearths an old journal, she’s forced to confront a truth she’s long tried to forget: she never really got over him. [Already she wants to erase the check mark next to Sage.]

At fifteen, their connection is immediate, electric. But before it can become something more, Gale’s parents ship him off to a remote boarding school. Unable to process the sudden loss, Aurora’s free spirit hardens into control. [This paragraph needs to be in past tense.]

Over the years, fate keeps reuniting them—but each time, Gale returns more withdrawn. Finally, he confesses what he’s carried for years: the school didn’t just take him away—it broke him. Loving her only reminds him of everything he’s lost, of the trauma he endured—so she lets him go. [When you say "over the years," do you mean the years between when they were 15 and now, when she's 25? If so, I'm thinking this paragraph should be in past tense too.] [Also, she let's him go? Does he want to go, or does he want her? He opens up and reveals the traumatic course his life has taken, so she dumps him? That can't be the right interpretation, so maybe point out that separating for good is his idea. Possibly because he thinks he's doing her a favor.]

A decade later, [Meaning when Aurora is 35?] Aurora has everything she thought she wanted: a marriage to Sage, a child after years of infertility, [an apartment,] a comfortable life. But the journal leads her to a crossroads—continue the life she’s carefully built, or give her love with Gale the chance it never had. [Was she 25 when she first unearthed the journal, and is she 35 now when the journal leads her to a crossroads? Or is there just one journal event?]

When she agrees to meet Gale one last time, her decision becomes clear: she tells him she has always loved him, even when he couldn’t love himself; but their story is in the past ---and she is choosing her present. [No need to tell us her decision in the query. Though that decision seems at odds with the title.]

By day, I’m a high school English teacher and New Jersey Romance Writers member, living in New Jersey. I hold degrees in journalism, English, and secondary education. This is my debut fiction novel. 

Thank you for your time.

Notes

I have problems with the timeline. First she's 25, and unearths an old journal, then she's 15, then years go by, then another decade goes by, at which point the journal pops up again. If it can be made chronological, it might work in first person throughout:

15-year-old Aurora Ridgefield has her life all planned:

But Gale's sent off to a remote boarding school, and though they see each other occasionally, Gale grows more and more withdrawn. Eventually he confesses that the boarding school broke him, and just seeing Aurora only reminds him of what he's lost.

Aurora graduates from college, lands a job teaching high school English, and has a new boyfriend, Sage, though she's not sure she's ever gotten over the feelings she had for Gale.

A decade later, Aurora has everything she thought she wanted: a marriage to Sage, a child after years of infertility, a comfortable life. 

But once again she unearths her old journal, and finds herself at a crossroads—should she continue the life she’s carefully built, or take it in a new and exciting direction?

Okay, that may not be exactly how it goes, but maybe it should be. I wouldn't be surprised if there were agents who would find these checklists creative and ask for more. In fact, your book could be divided into several parts, each of which starts with Aurora's current checklist. Preferably with more than three items on them.

Face-Lift 1524

Guess the Plot

Rebirth

1. A treatise on the conversation between Jesus and Nicodemus on being born again.

2. Tanya has gotten reincarnated as a mayfly for the 364th time. Part of her wants to make it an even year, but most of her is just hoping she'll just upgrade to a fruit fly already.

3. When a complete stranger informs Simon Blut that he is the only one who can save the planet, but to do so he must kill his family, he's torn. There are eight billion people on the planet, but he's fairly fond of his family. Well, most of them.

 4. Joe Galoppagos decides he got his entire life wrong, so he tromps through a pile of religions to find one that'll give him a second chance. He succeeds, but gets it wrong again. How many chances will it take to get Jane to like him?

5. Being born again. And again. And again. And again. You get the idea.

Original Version

Simon Blut killed someone with his right hand on [by] accident. Not with a knife or gun but with the touch of his palm. [How long has he had this power? If just touching people killed them, he'd have killed a lot more than one person. Just shaking hands or ballroom dancing would be deadly. I hope he isn't a chiropractor.] He doesn’t know how until he meets Ava, a woman with the ability to control plants. [I've never found it necessary to control plants outside of trimming the hedges so they don't block the windows. Internet research reveals that some superheroes or villains could control plants. A partial list:

• Poison Ivy: A brilliant botanist, transformed into a human/plant hybrid, who can control plants.
• Swamp Thing: Originally scientist Alec Holland, he became a plant-based creature, allowing him to control and create plant life anywhere.
• Floronic Man: Initially "Plant Master," Dr. Jason Woodrue experimented on himself to become a human-plant hybrid with plant control powers. 

• Plantman: a villain who utilizes technology, specifically a "Vege Ray" gun, to animate and control plants.
• Groot: An alien from a species of sentient trees, Groot possesses superhuman strength, and can control plant life.
• Timberius: An Inhuman with the ability to control plants. 

• Bushroot: A half-duck, half-plant hybrid scientist who can control plants. 

It's not clear what controlling plants entails, but all of these characters, most of whom are, themselves, at least part plant, can do it. For purposes of the query, do we need to know she can control plants?] She is from a magical community that know the secret of his hand: earth’s salvation. [Wait, what? What does that mean? When did this guy's hand become earth's salvation? And how did this community of mutants reach that conclusion?]

The planet is dying but Simon can save it by releasing the power inside him. [Specifically, the power inside his hand. His right hand.] But for this energy to save the world, people would have to die, including his family. [I'm surprised anyone in his family has survived this long.] 

Being torn between saving the earth or his family isn’t Simon’s only problem. [If he saves his family instead of the earth, doesn't his family die anyway? Or are they the only living creatures on a dead planet?] The power can also be released upon his death.  And not everyone in Ava’s group is patient. [So some people want to kill Simon to save the planet? If you're gonna murder someone to save the world, you better have some convincing proof, because the law isn't gonna just take your word for it.

Cop: You killed that guy for no reason!

You: I killed him to save the planet.

Cop: Whattaya mean?

You: His hand was earth's salvation. I had to release the power in him to save us all.

Cop: A bit early to be building your insanity plea, isn't it, pal?]

REBIRTH is an 85,000-word new adult magical realism novel. This is my first work.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Notes

Does his palm kill if he wears gloves? I've noticed that most characters with super powers wear gloves, even if their touch doesn't kill innocent people. Speaking of which, who did Simon kill with his right hand, and was he accused of a crime? And when he went on trial, was his defense that his hand is earth's salvation? . . . Actually, that might get him off.

If someone tells me the only way planet Earth can survive is if I kill my whole family, I'm gonna assume they're trying to prank me into doing it. That reminds of this joke by the late, great comedian Norm MacDonald.

This query isn't doing it. You need to summarize your plot. Who's this Simon guy, how did he suddenly become so important, what's his goal? Why does he believe someone who tells him he's Earth's salvation?

What's his plan to attain his goal? What's standing in his way? How does he deal with that?

What will happen he he fails to achieve his goal? If the planet is dying, how can this one guy reverse that? Why would the death of his family be necessarily?

Face-Lift 1523

Guess the Plot

Crown and Thorn

1. A history of the trappings of royalty throughout the ages with photos and illustrations of ceremonies, religious/mystical effects, and the methods of getting the blood/squiggly bits out after a violent change in leadership.

2. Heroes Crown and Throne have been on the scene for years. Yet only their sidekicks, Tiara and Stool, know the trouble brewing behind the scenes. as  they try to keep their mentors in line.

3. Taji rebel Imek Kirshya expects to be executed by the Menahi, but if she can just get out of her chains and cage and get an audience with the king, maybe he'll forgive her and let her resume her rebellion.

4.When the crown of thorns Jesus wore as he went to his first death comes up for auction at Sotheby's, speculation is rampant: will it go to the highest bidder, or the most humble?

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

A rebellion can be just and it can be brave–but when the other side has more men, cannons, and food, bravery and a just cause aren’t enough to win the war. In chains and entering the Menahi capital as a trophy of war, Taji rebel Imek Kirshya knows it all too well. Her only remaining goal is to die with dignity like her father and her grandfather before her; that way she won’t shame the hidden remnants of her army, who she can feel scrying on her from the mountains to see her fate.

Imek would prefer that they get it over with and behead her already, even if the king is feeling particularly vindictive and decides to also have her dismembered afterwards. Instead, she’s thrown in a cage for public display during the victory celebrations–and curiously enough, some Menahis are taking that as a chance [using that opportunity] to talk to her. There seems to be a political faction that isn’t particularly satisfied [on board] with their nation’s treatment of Taj, and it’s connected with the very man who led the army against her [Imek], Duke Adar Ben-Aiah. They find her presence useful, and at least one of them apparently thinks there['s] might be a better option than executing her.

Imek may not have been able to win [won] independence for her people–but maybe, if she can endure, if she can figure out who to trust, and if she can find a way to balance her personal feelings with her duty, she can seize [might find] opportunities that will [to] give Taj some degree of parity with Menah. And maybe, just maybe, giving up everything for her country will mean finding her own peace, not sacrificing it.

Crown and Throne is a soft magic fantasy novel written tactfully but dealing with mature topics. [Who has magical powers, and what can they use them for?] Inspired by the stories of rebels like William Wallace, Padraig Pearse, and Boudica, it also echoes the difficult balance of desire and responsibility in Intisar Khananai's Thorn, the complex court politics of Megan Whalen Turner’s “The Queen’s Thief” series, and the themes of dignity in captivity of Robin McKinley’s The Blue Sword. It is complete at 112,000 words and has the possibility of a sequel following the perspective of a secondary character. [Two inspirational rebels and two comps would be more than enough.] 

I am a middle school English teacher who spent over half a decade teaching ESL in the Middle East. This is my first novel.

Notes

When you're in chains and thrown into a cage for public view, trying to balance your personal feelings with your duty probably isn't on the top of your to-do list.

I think this reads better if you lose as many of the red words as you can bear to, and that would give you room for a little more of what happens in your book. The Menahi have won the war with Taj, and captured Imek, a rebel leader. At least one Menahi thinks there's a better option than executing Imek. What about the other 111,976 words?

What is this person's other suggested option? Do they help her escape, or convince the king to use her in some way? What's her plan, assuming she's free?